Update on goal-a-phobia

Remember when I posted all about being afraid of making goals because I am afraid to fail? Well, I completed a goal that I set for myself. I finished The Book of Mormon yesterday... (for any of you who are looking at the calendar, yes it is two days early thank you very much)

It felt good, and not to mention, the scriptures are such a great strength when you are struggling with so much in life. You can all just be very proud of me.

I have not, however, been an ace at the whole writing in my journal thing. Complete fail. I think I am going to choose to look at it more as a learning experience. It will make me feel better about it.

blogging on the personal side

You know that secret place in your heart? You know... the one that you hide everything about yourself in...the one that hides all of your flaws, imperfections...the one that hides those dark or sorrowful things that make you feel weak or incapable? Oh... I thought everyone had one. Well, I have one. I am going to let something step into the light about myself that I usually keep hidden. The only reason that I feel that I should do this is, that I feel as though writing about it, and not just to a paper that no one will ever read, will help me feel better, and I need to feel better.

Antenatal Depression

Haven't heard of it? That's ok most people haven't. It is a lot like postpartum depression, only the depression hits during pregnancy instead of after. It often is just written off as mood swings, but it is so much more than that.

I suffer from that. I had it while I was pregnant with dear Shiloh. It progressively got better as the pregnancy got further a long. I have it this time too. It is different this time. I am sure there is a whole combination of things that have made it different, more difficult, this time around. It is getting worse as my pregnancy progresses. I have a 1 year old that I can't keep up with. I am in a new place, miles and miles away from family and close friends. I am in a new church, where I don't know anyone. It is cold outside, and I just need some sun so I can get out of the house. Some days just feel lonely. Some days it is an accomplishment if I do anything outside of feeding and changing Shiloh. Some days I don't know if I can get through the day. Some days I feel proud if I only cry two or three times instead of non-stop. Some days are just hard.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. Most of all, I miss feeling like Brittani. The Brittani that is capable of keeping the house straightened. The Brittani that showers and does her hair everyday. The Brittani who is sarcastic and cracks jokes and can recognize herself in the mirror.

The bright side, you ask? I am learning to rely on my Heavenly Parent's and my Savior...not just everyday, but sometimes every hour. Taking my days minute by minute. Learning to look for all of the joyful, seemingly insignificant things that happen for me each day. There was sunshine yesterday. Shiloh and I sat on the gravel drive and played with rocks for an hour. It was marvelous, and it was a blessing that I am eternally grateful for. If there wouldn't have been the blessing of sunshine, just for me, I might not have made it through the monster of a day that yesterday was. Today, I had the energy, and the motivation to get ready. Sometimes, feeling a little pretty is all it takes to feel a little better. What a great way to be given a tender mercy from the Lord...motivation.

I know that this will pass. I know that we are given things...trials...to learn, but it doesn't make it fun or easy. It is definitely not easy for me to admit how weak and incapable I am at this moment, but it helps. Admitting is the first step towards rectifying my flaws and imperfections right?

I just pray for more sunny days and small blessings from Heaven.

Thanks for listening. Don't feel awkward about commenting or not commenting. Sometimes there is just nothing to say, and I get that. Sometimes it is just good to let the world see the you that you really are, imperfections and all. It is one of those times for me.

Things I've been able to do today...

Shower: Check

Brush teeth: Check

Put on Deoderant: Check

It's going to be a good day, Ladies and Gentlemen!

Getting Antsy...

I was just taking a gander at our pictures of the garden that we planted last year, you know, the one we had to leave right before harvest time to move to Missouri? Well, I really want to get going on another one. A bigger one. A new and improved one. Can't wait!

Here are few of the pics we took of the garden from last year... Hopefully we can figure out the new area and all of the produce that grows well around here. Also, hopefully we will actually get to partake in some of the goodness instead of leaving it behind.

The sore Spot called photography

I am completely capable artist in many ways. I do hair. I am great at interior design. I scrapbook, make cards, flower arrange. I bake. I paint. For some reason. I can never take a good picture..... It is kind of a sore spot for me. Since I have started blogging, I now have to come to grips with the reality that I suck at photography, and the few of you who read my blog are stuck with my lack luster photos :) At least the little guy that I take pictures of is cute, so he kind of makes up for the lack of quality.

Don't worry, I am not turning this into another cooking blog

Israeli orange roasted chicken

So, I married a chef.

I know that this isn't news to most of you, but it is a necessary statement for this post. Again, I married a chef. He really is a great cook.

I am not too bad, but I am NOT a chef. Again, not news to most of you, but I'm not.

Well, I have a confession. I have never really made much of anything that is in the way of meat without Kenny's help. I have been married for six years.... to a chef.

I can brown hamburger. Sautee cut up chicken, but I am pretty limited to either a frying pan or a crock pot.

Most people have these nostalgic memories of their mother pulling a turkey out of the oven on Thanksgiving, or a ham on Easter, or roasted chicken or chuck roast for Sunday dinners. In reflecting on this, that is when I realized that if I don't do something about my using Kenny as a crutch in the kitchen, then all of my children's nostalgic meal memories, with the amazing memorable dinners that we ate and laughed around, will not include me doing much else besides tossing a salad or making a casserole here or there.

After much thought on this, I realized I was feeling a little incapable. I also realized that I wanted to be a part of those memories. Given, I married a chef. He will most likely be in most of their nostalgic food memories, if not all, but I would like to be in a couple of them, maybe along side said chef.

This is a very long intro, but I roasted a chicken all by myself for the first time on Sunday. I used an Israeli Orange Chicken recipe I found online. I also improvised a little, since I married a chef, and he taught me how. I added some maple and some honey and other various ingredients. It turned out really well. It was a bit stressful, but I have to admit, I feel a bit grown up. ( about time for a 27 year old mother who has been married for 6 years!)

Aren't you proud?

Well, I am. And that is why I took pictures. As promised, this is not going to turn into another blog about cooking adventures. Not that there is anything wrong with said blogs, but I don't need to be another one added to your list, and I kind of like being able to post about whatever I want to. It feels good to just throw into the world of blogs whatever's on my mind. And today it is about food that I made by myself, even though I am not a chef and my husband is.

Happy Valentine's Day

So...I am not a great photographer, and I don't have a high end camera ( I know, I know a requisite if you are going to blog), so theses pictures are, admittedly not what they could have been, but the opportunity presented itself for a really cute shoot. Shiloh dumped out a package of red decoration hearts. He liked seeing himself in their reflective surface, and I had bought Heart shaped balloons for him and he has been playing with them non-stop for over a week. I thought that these would be great for telling all of my friends and fam that I love them!

Love you all!

Ode to Kenny

Well, I am actually not really sure what an ode is supposed to sound like, but this will be me appreciating my husband as a daddy. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of patience and love that he shows to Shiloh. It always hits me in a certain situation that happens ALL of the time. Kenny has been doing a lot of fixing up and mending and hammering and drilling.

Shiloh is a daddy's boy and he thinks he needs to do everything that Kenny does.

Shiloh always feels the need to "help" daddy.

Now most people, and I am not talking about impatient rude people, but in general most parents might get a little frustrated, or ask for the other parent to come and entertain the child for a second when they get in the way of a job that is to be done. Not Kenny. He smiles and helps Shiloh with the screw driver or lets him sit in his lap to watch the drill go. He rarely needs me to keep him out of his way. And Shiloh isn't just watching, he is picking up tools and standing in front of the job to be done. It never really seems to phase Kenny. He just switches into daddy mode, and it warms my heart every time.

Here is Kenny hooking up the ice maker, and Shiloh bringing over his wooden tools to help.

Here is Kenny talking to Shiloh about what he is doing. Shiloh is VERY interested.

Here is Shiloh taking the piece that Kenny needs to screw on. Apparently, he thinks he needs a closer look, some inspection, if you will.

Here is Shiloh "helping" out with the task at hand.

I guess why I am so amazed by it, is that I am not that patient. Not even close, and I need to learn to be a little more that way. Now I know it sounds a bit mushy to go off on what a great daddy Kenny is, but I figured since tomorrow is Valentine's day, you all would be a little more forgiving.

Merry Christmas...or merry Monday.

This is what I woke up to. Beautiful and also reminiscent of Christmas. It is still dumping outside. Days like these make me happy I am out in the country where everything is so darn QUIET!

Out my back door.

Out my side door.

Out my front door

Confessions of a pregnant mother of a 1 year old.

Sometimes...when I go to the grocery store, I come across a treat and think to myself, "I deserve that." and then I throw the gummy bears in the cart. Fast forward ten minutes. I come across the S'mores poptarts. I repeat the process, forgetting that I had just thrown gummy bears in the cart earlier (Pregnancy brain), then ten minutes later I do the same thing with a candy bar, keeping in mind that I don't recall the previous 2 experiences. I get to the checkout counter and realize I have a ton of treats, and I buy them anyway, then I eat them.

Sometimes... I take two naps, just as long as Shiloh's, and I don't feel bad about it, and then I go to bed at 8.

Sometimes... I eat a whole carton of oreos in two days all by myself. (that I do feel bad about, not sure whats different about it than the grocery experience, but it is)

Sometimes... I pretend that chasing my 1 year old is enough exercise for the day, even though I should be doing a lot more.

Sometimes... I blame my tiredness and aches and pains on pregnancy, and although they are real a lot of times, I know that it is just me not getting enough sleep and being out of shape. Pregnancy seems to be a catch all excuse for everything for me.

Am I the only one that has done these things? Probably, but it sure does feel good to get it off of my chest

Losing my mojo or my mind...either way I have lost something....could be my marbles.

What day is it?

Have I showered yet today, or was that yesterday?

Wow, you are right. I hadn't realized I was still in my pj's dear.

What's for dinner? That is a very good question at 6:00 pm, but I don't have an answer.

Oh yeah, today is my Birthday.

Wait, Valentine's Day is in less than a week?!?!?!

Nope, I didn't realize that Shiloh had two different socks on.

Oh it is snowing today? I hadn't even noticed.

I know that being pregnant makes you forget things. Or you do stupid mindless things, such as putting the Peanut butter away in the microwave (something done this week), but I swear this is beyond anything that I have experienced. I am constantly forgetting everything. Beyond the actual forgetfulness, there is this underlined lack of attention, or even any real desire to care in the first place.

Now this has been going on for a while now, but I really noticed it after we got back from Utah. Probably because I live in the middle of no where. I don't see anyone except for church on Sundays, and a grocery excursion 1 time during the week. It is just that when it is winter, you don't go outside. There are no real excursions that Shiloh enjoys that include a shopping cart or being told that he can't crawl around. We just don't go anywhere. In contrast, while in Utah, I saw all sorts of people during the days there so I got ready everyday, I never really had to plan to make meals, just who to have them with, and the date didn't really matter except for the one in which I was leaving. I haven't lost enough to not remember big things like going home on a plane.

It has been this funk of all funks. Not sure how to get out of it either. I feel ridiculous getting ready for the day when I literally will only be seeing Shiloh, and then Kenny for about 2 hours that day. I read my scriptures. I feed my kid. I change his diapers. He gets dressed and cleaned for the day. All of the truly important stuff is taken care of. Anything else just seems like it doesn't matter, or I just forget about it altogether.

One day I will be out of this fog. Until then, if you show up at my house unannounced, don't be offended if I am still in my yoga pants from yesterday, and I thought that maybe I had forgotten that we had planned something, and so I seem all out of sorts that my mind still isn't working at its normal capacity.

Cousins

As promised, some pics of Shiloh and his cousins on the other side of the fam, as in the Russell side.

Here is Shiloh with Crew. He actually was quite sweet with the babies, given his young age.

Although this looks like he is mauling poor crew with his massive hand, he is actually saying "ssssssss" which is interpreted as soft and rubbing his head. I am not sure that Crew necessarily liked it, but I am positive that no harm was being done :)

Here are the 3 cousins, well 4, if you count the one in my tummy. (Doesn't Shiloh look huge?)

Fun in the sun... well actually, just fun in Utah in the winter.

There is no way I can tell you about every little thing we did in Utah. I felt as though the week just flew by. I definitely needed another whole week just to see everyone that I wanted to, but alas, that was not in the cards or the vacation time from Kenny's work. We were excited to just go out there and see a bunch of family. And that was accomplished. I should have taken more pics, but I didn't. My mom says she will get me some from her camera, so I will have to post those another time.

Shiloh was amazing on the 2 hour car ride to airport and then the 2 hour wait for the plane, and then really great for the 3 hour flight. We lucked out on the way there because the plane was relatively empty and the stewardesses let Shiloh walk to empty rows with one of us to play. I think the "change of scenery" helped his mood for the trip.

We got there on Saturday night (Jan. 28th) Before we even made it to Utah County, we stopped to see a friend that was in town just for the weekend on the way from the airport to my parents house. We got to see everyone in my family Saturday night and basically just did a lot of laughing and chatting. Nothing formal, but fun.

Sunday we celebrated Shiloh's, mine, and my little sister's birthdays at my family's house. It was a lot of fun. Shiloh enjoyed all of the attention and Kenny and I enjoyed that he was loving being passed around to everyone else. We were truly spoiled when it came to everyone else wanting to hold and take care of him:)

Here is Shiloh and his aunt Chandi. He loved playing with Chandi. This was taken at our family dinner on Sunday.

Here we are just hanging out with my fam.
Shiloh and Pop Pop. Also really good buddies all week.

Monday we went to see my grandma in Bountiful. After that we went to the mall to find out the gender of our baby boy due in June. Then,we met with some friends of ours and had a dinner. The MacPhersons, The Glausers, and The Richards to be exact.

Tuesday, we went and saw Kenny's sister Janelle at her new house in Springville. We also met her youngest, Rebecca, for the first time. She is so sweet and a a real cutie. That night was some fun with our good friends from our old ward, The Hendersons. Just from those two days alone I realized how blessed with friends we were in Utah. I have to admit it has made the first few days home really hard.

This is Me and Shiloh and one of Cami's twins, Ben. They were just adorable. My mom has a pic of both the twins and Shiloh together. That pic will definitely be forth coming.

Wednesday, we had breakfast with my little sis and her hubs in the morning. That night we went over to The Glauser's house and ate dinner and played some games. The Richins came over too. Krista Richins, and Steven Glauser, and Kenny all went to high school together. So, needless to say, there is always much reminiscing, laughter, and poking fun. We had a blast.

Thursday, we went and saw Kenny's grandparents. Kenny's grandma is blind, but she still loves to play with Shiloh and they had a lot of fun together. That night we headed over to my sister, Cami's house, for a sibling dinner. It was really low key, and a lot of fun. It is so fun and interesting to see one of my sibs falling into parenthood. It was good.

Shiloh had never seen a piano before until Kenny's grandparent's home. He LOVED it! He would pound and then turn the pages on the song book and then pound again.

Here is Shiloh and Kenny's Grandma. They had fun together.

Friday was packed to the brim. I saw an old friend of mine, Julie Escobedo, then I was treated to a prenatal massage for the first time (thanks to my dad for letting me use one of his free massages at massage envy!) Then Kenny's sister Heather and here kids came into town from Rexburg, ID. We headed over to Janelle's house again and a fun family dinner. All of Ken's sibs and their fams were there, plus a few aunts and an uncle. It was such a fun time.

These are all of the grandkids on the Williams' side. I thought about just sticking my belly in the shot for the fun of it, but then I thought better of that idea. I just don't know when we be able to all be together again, and didn't want this next little one to feel left out. :) We were all together at Janelle's.

Shiloh opening a present from his cousins.

He and Mason got along splendidly. Mason was such a great cousin and big buddy for Shiloh

Here is Kenny being one of the kids as always.

The last few days we really tried packing things in. On Saturday, I hung out with my fam in the morning, then I went to lunch with my two sisters. It was a lot of fun. I don't think the three of us get together very often. Things usually happen in twos with my fam. I loved it! Then we headed over to Ken's grandparent's house again. All of his siblings were there and a few cousins that we hardly ever get to see. It was all out craziness with the kids jumping around, but it was crazy in a good way. After that, Kenny's sibs and us went out to dinner without any kids. It was a lot of fun. We went and ate some papusas. I started feeling sick at this point, but decided to try an ignore it. It was our last night in Utah. Then we went and got some ice cream, headed to Rachael's and just chatted. I started feeling really sick at this point, plus we had packing to do still for our flight, so we cut out a little bit early.

Unfortunately, I really was sick. I must have eaten something bad. So, I wasn't much help with packing, but I tried.

Here we are with Ken's grandparents

We Left Sunday morning. I was still sick as a dog. The trip home was not nearly as smooth as the trip there, but I guess we can't be that lucky twice. Shiloh screamed for about an hour on the plane, and the plane was full, so no musical chairs for a distraction. He had a blow out diaper in the car ride home. His pants and a sock were sacrificed to the garbage gods at subway. I felt miserable, and Shiloh wouldn't fall asleep in the 2 hour car ride home until the last 45 minutes, even though he hadn't had a nap all day.

Well if you got through this post, you are a champ, and a very dedicated reader. It is a long one, but I never can seem to get a part 1 and a part 2 close enough together. All in all, it was a great trip and full of fun. I miss everyone, but it does feel good to be home.

Why So Blue?

I am not really sad at all actually. I am ecstatic to announce that baby Williams #2 is a BOY!!!! I decided to change the color scheme of my blog to reflect the big news. We found out last week while we were in Utah. Although I would have been just as happy with a girl, I was so happy that Shiloh is going to have a little buddy so close in age. I have always wanted a brood of boys. I already have all of the clothes and all of the equipment for boys. So stoked! Now just to try figure out what to name this little guy :)

Shiloh is 1 years old!!! (Well a week ago)

Shiloh is already 1 years old. We celebrated his birthday twice, considering we were in Utah for his special day (Utah to be blogged about soon.) We celebrated once at my parent's house with my fam, and again with Kenny's fam at his sister Janelle's house. We had a blast both times. There was so much family and food and fun! Shiloh may not remember how fun these parties were, but I know the rest of us will. Shiloh is my sweet boy. He loves to give kisses and hugs. His latest cuddly thing to do is to bring his blanket over and a stuffed animal and to give them and me a hug at the same time. He is becoming very attached to blankets as of late. Whenever he gets out of bed, before reaching for me to get him out, he looks around and tries to decide which blanket is coming with him. He finally decides, picks it up and then reaches for me.

He loves cars! LOVES! He makes car noises every time he sees a car. He also drives around his toy cars, his magnets, his food and pretty much every other inanimate object he can get his hands on. It seems to be a great distraction from anger or crying, at least for now. I will take full advantage of it for as long as I can.

I can't say that I seem to know what he is thinking or anything, but the wheels in this kids head are always turning. I love watching him try and figure things out! He loves to put things into a box and then take them out, and then put them back in and then dump them out and then put them back in and then slide the box to me, and then put them back in.... well, you get the idea.

He is still into everything, which, I am assuming, will last for the rest of the foreseeable future. I am getting used to it, and I am starting to get a bit smarter with where I put things. I think I must be a bit slow on the learning curve of being a mother to a 1 year old, but I am catching on.

Shiloh also loves to sing. He has the funniest, and cutest, singing voice in the whole world. He is starting to recognize his favorite songs (which usually includes clapping i.e. "Do As I'm Doing" "Bingo" "If You're Happy and You Know It" and the like) and gets super excited to sing them with me.

His vocabulary is starting to grow very slowly, and I believe that Kenny and I are the only ones that can really tell what he is saying most of the time. He also jibbers and jabbers constantly. I think he is going to be a talker. On the list:

*mama

*dada

*mooing like a cow

*barking and panting like a dog

*snorting like a pig

*nonono

*nana ( Banana)

* hi

*Dat? (What's that?)

*fake snoring (as of last night)

Some other things that Shiloh has picked up recently is that he makes kissing noises and pushes Kenny's and my head together to makes us kiss over and over again. It is hilarious, which makes it hard to kiss, since we are laughing so hard. I think he might be a bit embarrassed of that one when he gets older. He also likes to make me kiss his stuffed animals on the lips over and over again. He loves to have daddy pick him up and carry him around. He will point to things, like the window or a bookshelf, and then expects (demands) that daddy walks him over there to show it to him. Needless to say, he throws huge tantrums when it is time to quit the game of "Shiloh Says" and get back to work or making dinner.

Shiloh is a 5 star tantrum thrower these days. He uses all limbs in a thrashing motion, and his voice at top decibel, repeating "nonono" over and over again. This is mostly done at diaper changing time. He has been experiencing time out quite frequently in his new age of 1. Hopefully this is not an omen for the year to come ;)

He loves to eat almost anything, but we are still shying away from milk products. Lately he has been into peas, black berries, beans, corn, oranges, and graham crackers, but he will pretty much eat anything we give to him as long as we jazz it up and don't leave it plain.

He is such a great little bean! He is definitely handful I am willing to keep around and I am glad that I have his cute little cheeks around all day to kiss. Happy Birthday Mister!

PS Enjoy the pics of the two parties. They are pretty self explanatory... Eating cake and opening presents.