blogging on the personal side

You know that secret place in your heart? You know... the one that you hide everything about yourself in...the one that hides all of your flaws, imperfections...the one that hides those dark or sorrowful things that make you feel weak or incapable? Oh... I thought everyone had one. Well, I have one. I am going to let something step into the light about myself that I usually keep hidden. The only reason that I feel that I should do this is, that I feel as though writing about it, and not just to a paper that no one will ever read, will help me feel better, and I need to feel better.

Antenatal Depression

Haven't heard of it? That's ok most people haven't. It is a lot like postpartum depression, only the depression hits during pregnancy instead of after. It often is just written off as mood swings, but it is so much more than that.

I suffer from that. I had it while I was pregnant with dear Shiloh. It progressively got better as the pregnancy got further a long. I have it this time too. It is different this time. I am sure there is a whole combination of things that have made it different, more difficult, this time around. It is getting worse as my pregnancy progresses. I have a 1 year old that I can't keep up with. I am in a new place, miles and miles away from family and close friends. I am in a new church, where I don't know anyone. It is cold outside, and I just need some sun so I can get out of the house. Some days just feel lonely. Some days it is an accomplishment if I do anything outside of feeding and changing Shiloh. Some days I don't know if I can get through the day. Some days I feel proud if I only cry two or three times instead of non-stop. Some days are just hard.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. Most of all, I miss feeling like Brittani. The Brittani that is capable of keeping the house straightened. The Brittani that showers and does her hair everyday. The Brittani who is sarcastic and cracks jokes and can recognize herself in the mirror.

The bright side, you ask? I am learning to rely on my Heavenly Parent's and my Savior...not just everyday, but sometimes every hour. Taking my days minute by minute. Learning to look for all of the joyful, seemingly insignificant things that happen for me each day. There was sunshine yesterday. Shiloh and I sat on the gravel drive and played with rocks for an hour. It was marvelous, and it was a blessing that I am eternally grateful for. If there wouldn't have been the blessing of sunshine, just for me, I might not have made it through the monster of a day that yesterday was. Today, I had the energy, and the motivation to get ready. Sometimes, feeling a little pretty is all it takes to feel a little better. What a great way to be given a tender mercy from the Lord...motivation.

I know that this will pass. I know that we are given things...trials...to learn, but it doesn't make it fun or easy. It is definitely not easy for me to admit how weak and incapable I am at this moment, but it helps. Admitting is the first step towards rectifying my flaws and imperfections right?

I just pray for more sunny days and small blessings from Heaven.

Thanks for listening. Don't feel awkward about commenting or not commenting. Sometimes there is just nothing to say, and I get that. Sometimes it is just good to let the world see the you that you really are, imperfections and all. It is one of those times for me.