The evolution of me

I have been thinking a lot about the past three years or so. For some reason I can't seem to stop thinking about it. It has been a whirlwind to say the least.

Three or more years ago, I was doing hair at an upscale salon. Clients meant a lot to me. Being praised and good at what I did meant a lot to me. I worked. Kenny and I played a lot too. We would go on a trip when we wanted. Hang out in our Pjs on a Saturday and just chill out. I would sleep in whenever I got the chance. I did a lot of what I wanted, when I wanted. It was fun and had its necessary teaching moments.

There was also a lot of heart ache over the loss of pregnancies. There was a lot of sorrow for not being a mom yet. Sometimes it consumed me.

Then I got pregnant for real. I complained and worried A LOT!

I started thinking about spirituality and trying to teach those things to my unborn child. I focused more on the spiritual aspects of life more than I ever had before.

I had Shiloh. I was now a mom. I didn't sleep much. My hair was never done. I rarely got dressed, but I felt accomplished everyday, and a little frustrated everyday too.

Shiloh got older. I got a bit wiser. I relied on the Lord more for help each day. I needed to conquer(and still do) frustrations and such, so that my child would feel love.

We moved to Missouri. I felt alone. I turned to the Lord for help. I learned to love the moments alone with Shiloh. I forgot about doing my hair most days. Instead, I thought about naps and feeding a little guy. I thought about playdates and diapers and what to make for dinner.

I got pregnant again. I was terrified. How could I take care of two so close in age? How could I take care of Shiloh while being sick, or while being so big? Again, I prayed a lot. I received strength when I asked for it.

I guess the conclusion that I have come to, while thinking all about the past few years, is that I have evolved. If you compare the person I am this very minute, to the person that I was back then, I am not at all the same. There is the essence of the same person, but we really are not that similar. I wasn't a bad person back then, but I am glad I am not there.

I am thankful for the opportunities the Lord gives us to change, to become better. Some of my experiences were challenging. Some of them dealt with becoming a mother, some of them dealt with not being able to be a mother yet, some of them had nothing to do with being a mother, but more with learning how to be an individual who relied on the Lord instead of other people. Some of these experiences were wonderful and happy and still taught me so much. Not all were challenging, which is a blessing too.

I am also very thankful that I still have the opportunity to evolve more. I know the coming months will bring more "evolution" than I can comprehend. Some of it will be challenging. Some of it will be joyful. I am most thankful to understand, though, that when I look back, I will see the Lord's hand in it all, that I will be a better version of me. I have faith in that fact. I couldn't be more thankful for the process, however challenging it may be, it is necessary and wonderful.

So I don't do my hair everyday. So I change diapers all day long. Those things don't define me. The things that define me are what I have learned and how my heart has changed. I hope to be a better student of the Lord's. I hope to understand His will for me better. Most of all, I hope that I am able to be the kind of person that I want my children to be.