I got up at 3:30 this morning to feed Eli. He decided that he wouldn't go back down until 5:50. From hiccups to smiles to crying to just plain refusing to be put down, we just didn't make it back to bed for over 2 hours. I laid my head on the pillow. It felt like I blinked. Granted, it was really 20 minutes later, but it felt like a blink, and along comes mister Shiloh; bright eyed and bushy tailed, talking about "carsh" (cars) and berries and "nyoke"(milk). As he walked in, I tried to be pleasant. I also had a slew of questions and thoughts enter my head:
When am I ever going to get sleep again?
Did I shower last night or the night before?
Dang it! It's Monday. Kenny has to go to work.
I don't know if I can do this by myself today.
Did I wash the diapers last night?
What am I going to make for dinner?
Am I going to have time for dinner?
When is my life going to go back to normal again?
The train of of thoughts stopped dead in their tracks at this last inquiry as I realized the answer. The answer made me shiver a bit. (If you are wondering the answer to that question....it is never.) I know that all of you are thinking, "Come on now, Brittani! You just had another baby and you have an 18 month old, didn't you realize that your life was going to be permanently altered?" To some this may have seemed obvious, but to me I was hanging on to that shred of hope that maybe my life would go back to some resemblance of the life I had prior. This morning, though, I came to the realization that it won't. It will be forever different. These realizations crashed around my somewhat fragile psyche.
This is the new normal for me. I know that eventually Eli will sleep through the night, that his colic will go away, that Shiloh will start understand more of what I am saying, that Shiloh will get used to having to share the spotlight, but that all happens after some time. And these things won't all happen all at one, but little by little. Yet again, I reiterate, this is the new normal.
I know that some of you are thinking, "What? You got on here to complain again?!?!"
Well, not necessarily. It seems that I can move on with my life now. I think that maybe holding onto that hope of things returning to how they were was holding me back from picking up some of the pieces and moving on to make a beautiful new life. One that includes Eli. One that includes new adventures, and, for sure, a lot more tears. I mean, it is not all rainbows and butterflies right now. Things are still hard, but something about waking up this morning and knowing that this is what life is for me right now, and knowing that I have to live in the moment and learn to thrive in chaos and trial, and that this is the new normal makes it a little bit easier to look forward.
Looking forward most definitely makes moving forward easier than looking back. Not rocket science, but for some reason it is always hard for me to remember.
I think you make an important point. With each child or each important step in life we take we do alter our lives. And we can either continually look back and miss what we had or move on and embrace what we now have. I am glad you can now embrace the "new" you and realize that although it won't be easy it will be worth it.
ReplyDeleteAnd just as a pick me up I always felt like it took at least 3-6 months for my life to stabilize after having a baby. So yes your life will never be like it was premarriage or preShiloh or now preEli, but it will become habitual and comfortable once again, like you said little by little. Just remember you have people who love you (like me:) Who are here whenever you need a "normal" conversation to pick you up.
I remember calling Heather a lot when I first became a mom and wondering what I was doing wrong because my baby wouldn't sleep or stop crying. But now she is wonderful and was then just harder to see it. Anyway I will stop rambling. I love you and you are a wonderful mom!
You're right, your life will never be the same again, but you WILL get to sleep a decent amount again someday. I always found those infant times really hard because I was always feeling robbed of my minimum daily requirements. Honestly, I am just not a baby person for that reason. But we do survive, and it is worth it, so hang in there. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteAmen to what my sisters said. It is tough. Really tough. We wish we could be there to pitch in and help out. Or just sit and chat with ya. But while life will never be the same, it will get easier! And you will look back and be so glad that it isn't the same as it was before Eli or before Shiloh. The new life will be so much better with your two little sweeties.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. We are praying for you!!!
In the moment, these things are always harder to embrace. In the end, you'll find that you miss waking up with a baby in the middle of the night. It sounds absurd, but it's true. :-) I know it's hard though. I wish we lived closer so I could help out a bit. Love ya!
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